Christopher Hocking’s Guide To Writing Guide

Hello everybody! C. Hocking here, newest starlet in the writing game.

I’ve been checking out your stuff online and in the print and first off, great job! You’re doing pretty good! Not much talent but a lot of good raw ideas and textures in your work. But also if you’re ever going to make it in this industry (and it is a damn hard industry, oh my godddd ha ah in this sunburnt laaaaaand) then here are a few pointers that I have compiled in my own personal roller coaster ride to the stars.

SEVEN STEPS FOR SUCCESS

Here is my proven (see: Letter To The Producers Of Patricia Arquette’s Medium, thank you) method for writing:

1. Assemble all the things you have, like any pens and notepads, any books you think might have good ideas in them, any pictures or drawings you or your friends might have done, a few different kinds of drinks (hot, cold, medium), a chap-stick if you feel like you might get dry lips and most importantly a computer.

2. Open up your computer and check out Facebook. Think to yourself, “This shit is sooo dumb omggggg.” Think to yourself, “I wonder if I could write an article about looking at Facebook. No, probably not.” Close Facebook forever.

3. Get up and make some coffee. Think about the last meal you ate and whether it’s too soon to eat again. Decide it probably is, but maybe you could make a plan for the next meal. “I would definitely eat a soup, aaaaah yes that’d be great. Sweet potato? How hard is it to make sweet potato soup?” Google “how hard is it to make sweet potato soup.” Decide that although it isn’t very hard it’s still too much time that you should be investing in writing. Find a can of soup in the pantry and stare at the label for a while. Think about a friend telling you how depressed they get looking at cans of soup and wonder whether you feel the same. Google, “how to make tinned soup less depressing.” Read some results on Yahoo Answers.

4. By now the coffee is ready. Pour it into a mug and think about whether you want milk or no milk. Soy milk? You’ve never tried soy milk. Maybe today is the day. Open a carton of soy milk. Think about how you could write a review based on trying soy milk for the first time. Think of a few lines.

“I like the way the spout folds out. I like the way it clots in a drink because it reminds me of death.”

5. Go on Twitter and read a few things. Write a tweet, eg. “a found art project where I go through a Frankie magazine and write “Ha ha ha” across all the articles w/ felt pen” Wonder whether that is good humour or not.

6. By now it’s lunch time! Take a break and eat a bowl of soup with a fried egg floating in it. It is not a great meal.

7. Submit whatever you’ve written to a blog or online publication and wait for the money to roll right in.

And you’re done! Seven simple steps that will see you to the stop (ha ha that is a joke about proofreading and alliteration)(writing humour)(see: Christopher Hocking’s Guide To Writing Guide)

IN GENERAL:

I want to see MORE phrases like, “mind-explosion”, “random-ass”, “awesomeness”, “for some reason/no idea why”, “awkward”, “disturbing”, etc. Also in broad terms more jokes and references to pirates, monkeys, winning/breaking the internet, The Simpsons, ninjas, zombies, moustaches, science, “confusing people”, expressing verbs with asterisks, Star Wars, hipsters, insomnia, the merits of Apple products, being random, atheism, Nicholas Cage. This is good stuff! More of this please! Tick tick tick!

By now I’m sure you’ll be overflowing with ideas and jokes. The most important thing is to publish, publish, publish. The idea is to get as much down on paper and then just throw it into the internet. No time to proofread! No time to think! It was like Bob Dylan said, “Don’t look back.” I’m fairly certain that he wrote that in regards to writing jokes for the internet. Throw that baby into the bathwater, not in the trash! That is an expression of mine that I wrote in regards to writing jokes for the internet.

OK great! Fill in your submission form, hand it up to admin and you’ll be well on your way.

See you at the next convention,

Writing Convention

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