While I might look fairly innocuous, you can bet that at any given time I am thinking the most fucked up shit. Disclaimer: I don’t fantasise about weird stuff like death or Justin Bieber proposing to me [WHAT THIS ISN’T WEIRD – Ed.], I don’t have a mental disorder, and I probably won’t murder you. In fact, according to a whole bunch of people on the internet, it’s completely normal to be a little paranoid – and everything on the internet is true.
Things that make me paranoid can include anything from a weird sound I just heard which is probably a ghost trying to kill me, to something that happened on TV that I suddenly believe will happen to me, or a weird feeling in my body that is probably cancer.
Case 1: Jurassic Park. I recently watched the fantastic Spielberg classic and found myself formulating an entire evacuation plan just in cases a velociraptor appeared in my house. Shortly after I completed my plan I remembered that dinosaurs are extinct and I just allowed a movie to control my mind.
The fact that I believe in the ghosts, aliens, big foot, and all that weird stuff definitely does not help. Case 2: last night I heard my blinds hitting against my window. I assumed immediately that there was a ghost attempting to freak me the fuck out, or alternatively I was about to get abducted by aliens. I then realised that my fan was on and the window was open so it was just air. I was literally afraid of air.
Case 3: this morning, I was putting lotion on my legs and felt a pain in my knee. “Oh my God, I have knee cancer,” was the first thing through my mind. Knee cancer. Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that there was a bruise on my knee that I rubbed over and irritated. Nope, it was probably knee cancer. Being afraid of one’s health probably is more common than my other paranoid mind-ventures, yet I still find myself extremely fearful of most things.
The thing about me is, I realise I’m a fucking moron as soon as I think these stupid things. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking them. One second I’m panicking about alien invasions, the next I’m judging myself for being so irrational. Perhaps my problem is that I am easily impressionable.
The media feeds us negative stories and images daily of ‘New Disease discovered in Middle East (which you will probably catch)’, ‘Ex-Convict living in Ipswich Area (who wants to murder you)’, ‘Strange Creature sighted in Pacific Ocean (which is a dinosaur that will overrun the Earth)’ and ‘One Direction announces 2nd Australian Tour (which you will attend)’ [STOP RAGGING ON MY BOYS – Ed.]. Scary. Being a journalism student, I live on News websites, reading about these horrible things in my everyday life. The more information I see about one specific story, the more room my mind has to wander.
Case 4: around November last year, my boyfriend bought the movie ‘2012’ for me to watch for the first time. At the same time, news websites around the world were publishing their stories about Doomsday on December 21, 2012. Not only was I convinced that ‘Doomsday’ was a thing, but I was literally convinced that the 2012 movie would happen – John Cusack and all. There were several articles on NASA explaining all the reasons why the world wouldn’t end on December 21. But NASA wasn’t good enough for me; I saw a movie about it. Needless to say, December 22, 2012 came and I was relieved. Until I remembered that due to time differences, it was still December 21 in the USA, therefore, I must remain vigilant. The world still didn’t end, and man, did I feel dumb.