Don’t @ Me (An Interior Monologue): Juilty

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a cis, demisexual woman navigating the world in a nontraditional body? In this ongoing column, Nina shares the interior monologue of everyday, the one just for herself, to help her understand what’s going on in her mind. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s sad—life can be awful—sometimes it’s about how her disability affects her day-to-day social interactions. We are very excited to share it with you. 

 

1.7.18

Morning, in a house in Aldinga, SA

Oh my god it’s freezing. It’s light outside, I can tell from the way the sun’s coming through the window, but it’s been so nice to sleep. Isobel has just come into the room and I’m still in bed. She sits on the bottom bunk opposite me, still in her onesie.

‘What’s the time?’ I ask.

She’s looking at something on her phone. ‘Umm… Ten past eleven,’ she says.

‘Whhhhaaat?’ I jump up, throw the covers off me.

Isobel laughs. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Don’t we have to check out?’

‘Oh,’ she says. ‘No. I think Kate called them and asked if we could stay until this afternoon.’

I sit back down on my bed. ‘She got a late check-out?’

‘I think so. Otherwise we’d already be gone.’

 

11.37am

Okay, okay. I’ve showered, washed my face. This weekend was C’s birthday, so she & Kate invited everyone to come spend some time together & have a rad weekend but at the beach lol but it’s winter so I think realistically QLD beaches take the cake for now.

C and Isobel and I got plenty of ingredients before coming down from Adelaide so we could cook at home. Isobel told me that breakfast is soon. C has cooked us a feast (as per usual). Tbh I was freaking out a lot bc I don’t like to loiter after check-out time. But, realistically, how often am I in Aldinga? (Never). With some of my oldest friends? (Never) so… the shower helped me to re-centre myself & now, I realise that Kate is honestly one of the most organised ppl I’ve met so, she must have organised for us to stay longer than 11am.

It’s alright Nina. Chill out my girl.

 

At the breakfast table

Too many ppl here to mention all by name lol but I’m sure they’d love to be notoriously known for being in my interior monologue. We played risk last night, a home-made boardgame made of paper and cardboard. What I love abt C: she brings ppl together (wout even realising it sometimes); she shines a bright light of positivity & warmth & genuineness in her friendships; she’s a glorious woman; she loves to cook; her attitude is a positive one but she is also v willing to learn new things.

Highlights of the weekend include playing risk w C’s friends, most of whom I haven’t met before bc she’s made new ones since moving to Adelaide, having a glorious amount of food, flirting w strangers—if poorly—& meeting Baby A (his nickname), who is a baby & v adorable.

 

3.08pm Adelaide airport

Man, what an action-packed weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve been on something that feels like a holiday! I like friends! I like relaxing! I like having fun w my friends & their friends! Just a weekend of joy. Reminds me of last time C & I were together for her birthday—also, as I recall, a weekend of joy.

 

2.7.18

Night time, abt to go to sleep

Post-holiday happiness is a nice kind of happiness, wouldn’t you say?

 

6.6.18

5.45pm At home, just abt to head out to see pals, no time for makeup

While I was away, Kate kept on giving me pep talks for flirting bc she wanted to help me get back on the dating horse.

 

I saw Hot Date a few days before going down to Adelaide for C’s birthday. He looked well. It seemed like he’d showered. We went to a place near my house & he ate a burger but I didn’t eat a burger bc I’d already planned to eat dinner at home. He ordered a Corona w his burger, got me some chips bc I’d asked for chips (I didn’t want to order a burger). & he seemed well. He walked towards our table with a number & his Corona & I was a little stunned but I didn’t say anything abt it. The only thing I wanted him to remember was that I asked him not to talk to me if he’d had anything to drink. But I guess that didn’t matter anymore, we were no longer dating, or something. He wanted us to be friends.

 

I ate the chips. I went home. I sat in my car for a while and felt really empty. I’d told C this, I’d told her that I wanted to message him a lot & be friends w him & she told me to follow my heart (hmmmmm) but u know sometimes u not ready for friendship w a hot person who u liked a lot. So, I guess, lol, being in Adelaide & having a three-day pep talk from Kate may have been good for my soul.

 

6.14pm In the uber on the way to pals

Uber driver and I are talking abt dating. He says he just stays home all week long watching movies.

 

6.17pm

Think I’ve been accidentally flirting w the uber driver??????????????? I asked for his number (Leo might like to date him) and when I told him it was for my friend ~tru story~ he sounded sad!! Not a joke!!

 

6.18pm Calling Leo on the phone

Me: u want to date this man? He sounds like he is on the market? I have his number!!

Leo: where did you meet him?

Me: Just got uber into West End, abt to meet up with Ella and June. Did some accidental flirting. I was really on, you kno?

Leo: ….

Me: what u say? Yes??

Leo: …………….

Me: Yes??

Leo: No

 

6.21pm Bosc

I tell June & Ella that I have just done some accidental flirting. They seem impressed. I tell them the fuller story. They seem less impressed, instead, worried.

 

I told them same thing I told Leo: was very on!! Been getting multiple pep talks from Kate, C, Isobel, C’s friends, etc. …. Wanted to apply my peppiness to improve Leo’s love situation!! Accidental flirting!

 

7.7.18 Day after accidental flirting

1.21pm

Get a text from the accidental flirter from last night. He asks me how I am. I ask my friend Big M on twitter what I should do & Big M tells me to cool it especially since I am not a keen bean for the lurrrve.

 

18.7.18

Bebe is arriving today!! First time she’s gone anywhere since Land of Tragedy!! Exciting for all. We’re going to make dinny tonight & spend time w her friend. This trip been planned for a while, since the flights were on special (love a bargain). Am keen for the weekend. Lugia & I been talking abt it quite a bit—gonna be a nice time I think.

 

Might be hard, cos Bebe’s not been on a plane lately & she hates flying. Lugia’s coming to visit as well, so we’ll all be together this weekend. It’s been a big time for me……….. like…. Am very tired this week & a bit busy but, u know what they say, you only live…. multiple times over the course of ur spiritual journey possibly as more than just a human… maybe a flower, maybe a rock.

 

20.7.18

5.17pm At Donna’s house w Bebe

We walk in & Donna is in her chair doing her painting. She shows us the painting, stands up, hugs us. She calls out to Terry, telling him we are here. She has this routine, bc it’s a new place, of showing people around.

 

Her cat, Tazzie, an old tabby cat, refuses to drink water unless it’s from a fountain, she says. She shows Bebe the little running water fountain that he drinks from. She shows Bebe the front garden. What a glorious time.

 

8.45pm In transit

Have just collected Lugia from the airport J J J it’s not a very brisk night. June is at The End!!! Time for a bit of funnnnnn.

 

8.51pm

Lugia & I walking down the street arm in arm.

 

9.07pm The End

Very loud in here!!!!!!’

 

22.7.18

3.59pm

What a weekend. We have spent time w family yay & had nice time. Went to food and wine show at Southbank this afternoon, and ran into, you guessed it, Donna & Terry.

 

Tbh it’s been a bit of a rough one. I am a very tired girl. Feeling a little sick, sniffly, tired, sorry for self, etc. but am glad that Bebe & Lugia are not letting that stop them. Yesterday, after an action-packed day full of markets, family, babies, food, I had to nap, so the other two went out w Grace last night.

 

When they got home they brought me a burrito (they know the way into my heart).

 

28.7.18
11.03pm Birthday time

Well, it’s that time of year again. Birthday time. i always end up saying another year older another year wiser, but should be saying: another year older, another year closer to death! Went to dinner w the pals & just now have said goodnight to Leo, who, out of the goodness of her heart, gave me a lift home.

We sat on the couch talking shit & drinking tea….. & now………. It’s time for bed I suppose. It’s time for bed & time for ageing.

 

Nina is a poet and writer living on Turrbal Land. She was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when she was four years old. She tweets @ninabaldotto mostly about poetry and the weather. 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *