Episode 3 – Don’t go into the well you fucking lunatics
It’s the day of the wedding and everything is somehow worse than before. Harold is back as promised, and it turns out the tea argument he was having in Tuesday’s spoilers was with the ghost of his dead wife. This is spooky af, but at least he was wasting no one’s time but ours.
Since we last saw her, Delta Goodrum has started working as a room cleaner at Paul’s hotel for some reason. She tells Susan, “I finally feel like a ‘regular person’ again,” but still hides her face from every hotel guest she encounters. She’s rightfully ashamed of her awful job, so is she lying to Susan, or intentionally insulting the working class? She should pull her fucking head in: it’s only her second day and she’s already allowed Paul to steal a handful of chocolate biscuits from her cart (he swallows them whole into his hellish guts). Meanwhile, she’s telling Susan she couldn’t POSSIBLY be ready to perform at the inaugural Erinsborough Festival at the end of the week because she hasn’t been able to sing since breaking up with Jack “Dad Had to Leave The Show Because of Meth” Scully, despite the fact that not five minutes ago we saw her singing into an iPad. Unbelievable.
With the terrible inevitability of the slowest, lamest train heading towards a cliff and a merciful death, the wedding arrives, and The Neighbours gather in church to pray. But, course, the groom is missing. “Maybe he got side-tracked interacting with some local wildlife,” says Toadie. Everyone seems to appreciate the joke (is it a joke? Is he talking about homeless people?) but everyone is angsty and ready to get this whole circus over with.
What happened to the groom was this: based on a rumour he heard SECONDHAND FROM A MAN HE LITERALY JUST MET IN A PUB, he’s gone, with less than an hour before the ceremony, to a recently unearthed well. He’s looking for a fabled pearl ring that’s said (BY A MAN HE JUST MET, WHO IS PROBABLY DRUNK) to have been lost there by his fiancé’s grandmother (ACCORDING TO SOMEONE HE DIDN’T KNOW BEFORE JUST NOW). “It’ll be the perfect wedding gift,” he says, immediately falling inside and becoming trapped. The good news though is that he’s stuck in there with his fiance’s former best friend, who’s also in love with him, so if they don’t drown then they’re deeeefinitely gonna fuck in a dank cave.
To have thought anything different was going to happen would be folly. By Neighbours’s karmic wheel, weddings, as the most sacred of acts, are also the most likely to fuck up. Remember when it was revealed on Steph Scully’s wedding day that her sister, Holly “Kiss Kiss” Valance, did “Kiss Kiss” on the mouth of Steph’s fiancé? And then Steph got CANCER? Remember when, while driving back from his wedding with new wife Dee, Toadie takes his eyes off the road and ploughs off a cliff and into the ocean? And afterwards blames best m8/Big Brother Season 1 Runner Up Blair McDonough for “not tightening the breaks enough” on his car? Well maybe YOU need to tighten something up, Toadfish: your act.
On Thursday’s episode:
- The dank love of cave-dwellers
- Paul giving a speech on the last day of the Edinburgh festival, despite it never starting in the first place. He’s wearing a bunch of gold medals and big pimp medallions. Whatever he got these for it definitely wasn’t festival organisation.
Jack Vening writes short fiction in Brisbane. He has taught in the writing programs at UQ and QUT and has a tiny collection of stories, ‘Work For a Man or a Horse’, available through Momentum Books. He tweets @JerkVening.