Scum Horoscopes – April

Aries

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

It’s your birthday, Aries. You can headbutt anyone you want this month. Literally or figuratively, it’s up to you, but you have big horns growing out of your head for a reason and you oughta use them. What’s the worst that can happen? People will learn to stay out of your way? GOOD.

Taurus

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

The seasons are changing, and you’re going to be seized by an urge to redecorate your nest. Do it!!! Spring clean or winter cozy it, sweep out your corners and bad vibes, let a bunch of flowers wither throughout the month, and invite some people over for an easy dinner. It is not lame to love and care for your home.

Gemini

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Have you ever tried listening to a different song in each ear? At first it’s confusing and anxiety-inducing, but once you relax it can feel meditative, like new channels are being opened in your brain. You have two voices in your head all the time. Relax and let the channels open.

Cancer

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Recognise your tendencies to emotionally manipulate the people you love the most. It doesn’t make you a bad person; learning our faults and working against them is what makes us good.

Leo

LEO – July 23 -August 22

Buy yourself something to wear that jingles. It’s more sport if your enemies know you’re coming.

Virgo

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Sometimes it can be just as good for us to define what we don’t like as it is to appreciate what we do. Spend a month developing your negative boundaries. Keep a list of the things you hate, disdain, scorn, condemn. Refer to it in the future when you’re feeling directionless rage.

Libra

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Do you love them? Do you love the idea of them? Do you love just an aspect of them? They are all valid forms of love, as long as they are the ones you choose wholeheartedly and with clear, open eyes.

Scorpio

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

It’s easy to think of our bodies as mere shells that our true selves ride around in, but that does not sit well with your sensuous nature, Scorpio. Take time this month to remind yourself that you dwell in your flesh as much as in your brain. Think about the little pieces of you that you leave behind (hair, nail clippings, waste, dead skin, etc.).

Saggitaurius

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Go clean the house of your parent or guardian. It’s the least you can do.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Solstices, seasonal transitions and half-moons are the times of change; you’ve got about another week to sort out your next big reveal. Pick something spur of the moment and follow through until the next solstice releases you from your poor planning.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

Get rich quick schemes: not just for your single uncle. Harness your entrepreneurial spirit this month and invest some time and a small amount of money into something you consider Deeply Necessary. Some starter ideas: dog video aggregator app. Tampons with magnets in them (something to do with balancing energy, more research needed). Anti-Tinder.

Pisces

PISCES – February 20- March 20

You’ve been reading about life-enhancing technology for a long time. Recognise that it is all within your reach, and start enhancing your life. Good first steps: Flux, Pocketbook, Freedom, asking your housemates to change the wi-fi password until you’ve finished your tasks.

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