Scum Horoscopes – August

Leo

LEO – July 23 -August 22

Happy birthday, Leo! Now is the time to demand your tithe from the lucky fools you allow to surround you. Suggestions for good tithes to demand: a luxurious cloak; a long red carpet to roll out in front of you wherever you go; a TV that works; a really, really great cheese platter. You have a whole month to unashamedly dominate every room you walk into. I’d tell you to use it wisely, but let’s be realistic – you’ve been preparing for this all year. You know what you’re doing. Go do it.

Virgo

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

A good way to deal with feelings of envy is to lean into them. Explore the sensations: bile rising in your throat, a hot swoop in your stomach, frissons of tension running across your shoulders. Once you’re fully immersed in these peculiar sensations it’s easy to see how absurd the whole thing really is. If the worst comes to the worst, just remember: no matter what you do, one day all your enemies will be dead.

Libra

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

You might think that you can cure the vague feelings of disconnection and hollowness that have been plaguing you for year with some external frivolity, like taking up surfing or committing yourself to charity work. Stop fooling yourself. There’s only one way to make things feel right again: blood sacrifice.

Scorpio

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

Do all the dishes in the house, every day, for a week. See if unappreciated service fits easily on you, or if the invisibility chafes. Use the feelings generated to your advantage. They won’t know what hit them.

Saggitaurius

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

People will keep asking you to do ridiculous things as long as you agree to do them. Stop agreeing. You owe no debts.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

This month, walk everywhere. You are banned from cars, bicycles, trams, trains, buses, taxis, Ubers, skateboards, scooters and Heelies. You must walk. Get some good shoes and make the best walking playlist of your life. Think about your distant ancestors, trekking across continents in the heat and ice. Feel the stretch and give of time when measured in walking hours. Check out your calf muscles and feel smug.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

There’s an awful lot of information out there about crystal healing, but is there anything along the lines of crystal sickening? Your mission this month is to compile as much information as you can on the harm that can be done with crystal vibrations. Feel free to experiment on those closest to you.

Pisces

PISCES – February 20- March 20

If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re tired, sleep. If your back hurts, take some painkillers. Stop martyring yourself on a cross made of resentment, self-loathing and bad vibes.

Aries

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

How clean are you? You could be cleaner.

Taurus

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

I don’t care how you feel about vision boards – this month I want you to make one. A real one (no Pinterest), detailing your ideal home, job, partner, pets and/or children, wardrobe, etc. Cut out pictures from library books and waiting room magazines. Accumulate enough inspirational material to never have to think for yourself ever again.

Gemini

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

What did you do as a child that might still be around? Did you plant a tree, build a cubby house, write your name in cement, disfigure someone in a schoolyard fight, irreparably break someone’s heart? Find out where you’ve left your mark (hint: Google Earth and Facebook).

Cancer

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Isn’t it great when people get tattoos on their hairy arms and legs and then the hair grows back and all of a sudden that lovely Marilyn Monroe face is a werewolf? If you are hairy enough to have the option of doing this, you definitely, definitely should.

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