AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19
If there’s a time and a person to start a new cult, it’s now, and it’s you. Start brushing up on your interpersonal skills; you’ll need them to convince those around you that moving to the Queensland hinterlands to farm dirt is a one-way ticket to paradise. Bonus points if you can achieve that shiny, dead-behind-the-eyes Tom Cruise charm by the end of the month.
PISCES – February 20- March 20
I know you’ve skipped ahead to read your own horoscope, Pisces. For shame. Go back and read the first one, and make sure you read through the rest as well. 2016 ought to be the year you extend your “innate sensitivity” beyond the borders of your self, and start paying attention to the inner lives of those around you. Also, there is something in your home causing you to mentally chafe. Find it and destroy it, even if it belongs to someone else.
ARIES – March 21 – April 20
STOP BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND. WE ARE ALL STILL VERY HUNGOVER.
TAURUS – April 21 – May 21
I’m going to make an educated guess and say you ate a hell of a lot of Christmas food in the last month or two. Why not make it an ongoing trend? You know you feel good when you feel festive. You are also blessed enough to look good in sparkles – add some tinsel to your wardrobe, too.
GEMINI – May 22 – June 21
Everyone’s going to be inviting you out this month. Unless there’s a guaranteed emotional, sexual, or monetary profit, don’t go. This isn’t cruel or conniving – it’s practical. You are valuable because of your scarcity. Make the world work hard for your presence.
CANCER – June 22 – July 22
You’re going to be seized by a desire to grow your nails real long. Go for it. Someone’s going to try to take advantage of your gentle nature, and you’re not going to let them. Scratch their face up if you have to. You have a shell and big claws for a reason.
LEO – July 23 -August 22
You don’t know everything, Leo – not yet. You’re going to learn that the hard way this month. Best case scenario: you take some hard advice and hit the books. Worst case scenario: you devolve into a fiery ball of self-destructive tantrum-ing. No, Leo! You’re better than this! Be the graceful lion, not my shitty yelling cat!
VIRGO – August 23 – September 23
Where have all these scratches come from? Why is there dirt under your fingernails? You keep dreaming about loam, the bracken in the undergrowth, disorder. It’s probably time to get a new haircut.
LIBRA – September 24 – October 23
Balance, shmalance. You’re going to be tempted towards something regrettable this month, Libra – like mind-altering substances, impulsive pet-ownership or redoing the bathroom all by yourself. Do it! Regrets are great for personal development! There are too many puppy dogs in shelters! You don’t need to shower this week anyway!
SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22
You gotta start wearing more colour, Scorps! Go against type and try forest greens or amethyst purple. Do it for the whole month. It will feel weird, but it’s worth it for the comfort of slinking back to the darkness when you’re done.
SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20
Someone is burning inside to touch you, baby. Don’t let them close enough to your heart to leave scars.
CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19
Happy birthday, Capricorn. I’m sure you’re very proud of yourself. While every other astrological resource will happily sing your praises – you’re hardworking, grounded, practical, level-headed, etc. – I am here to tell you the truth. You are a monster. You make everyone else look bad. Do yourself and the rest of us a favour in this, your birthday month, and quit working so hard (and so stealthily!). We’re all sick of you humble-bragging your way into the spotlight and if maintain these levels of ruthless ambition for much longer you’re going to give yourself a heart attack. That’s my official prediction: heart attack. Slow down, Goatee.