Scum Horoscopes – July

Cancer

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

It’s your birthday, Cancer. Go outside tonight and look at the waxing moon. It’s just a little sliver at the moment, but it’s growing every day. Remember that when you’re feeling depleted and hollow – the Moon rules your sign, and you rise and fall like the tide with it. There’s strength and beauty in this swelling rhythm; find the moments of peace in the dark and stillness, and let yourself anticipate the light coming back around.

Leo

LEO – July 23 -August 22

A lot of people around you are afraid and angry right now, Leo, for reasons that they can’t control. I know you feel fear and anger as well, but people are going to look to you for comfort and direction. You are worthy of this difficult task. Raise your maned head high and show the rest of us the way.

Virgo

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Your challenge this month is to keep a fiddle leaf fig alive. It’s notoriously difficult. I want you to fail. It will be good for you, and for houseplant trends in general, because fiddle leaf figs are the maidenhair ferns of the new millennium and as a society we should have zero patience for needy, unreasonable photosynthetic pseudo-children.

Libra

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

It’s easy to feel sort of psychologically weighed down, like you’re wading through a quagmire or trying to ride a bike in 1.5x gravity. Try doing the doorway trick – stand in a doorway and press the backs of your hands against the door frame. Count to thirty. Think about the eventual dissolution of all of your atoms into the chaos of the universe. Step out of the doorway. Fly away.

Scorpio

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

Have you listened to the new Blood Orange record? You should.

Saggitaurius

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Your ruling planet is Jupiter, so if you’re feeling extra scrutinised this month, this might be why. Don’t let yourself feel pressured by the observation; you are, much like the giant planet, a whirl of storms, contradictions, mystery and gas. No-one’s going to work you out too thoroughly, no matter how many probes they send.

Capricorn

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

We all have enemies. You have too many. Reconcile or drop it. It’s ageing you prematurely.

Aquarius

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

When was the last time you made someone a gift? Make a pop-up card, bake a freestyle slice, dig up the bones of an old pet and string them into a metaphysically impenetrable chest shield to protect the one person you value most. Show someone you care.

Pisces

PISCES – February 20- March 20

It would be a good idea to stop obsessing about the thing. You know the thing I’m talking about. Find distractions, visit a shrink, procure help in the form of substance, whatever. Evict the thing. It hasn’t paid rent for a really long time.

Aries

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

There’s a lot of theories circulating that we are living in a simulation, and that the universe is made up of information rather than energy or matter. You have been chosen by the stars to do a bunch of research on the validity of these theories. Report back to us by the end of the month, or sooner if possible. It’s really freaking me out.

Taurus

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

What’s in the walls of your house? Do some recon. Tap your way down the hallways and through the bedrooms. Wherever you hear the sound go hollow, mark with an X. You don’t have to excavate immediately, but you will eventually have to push your hand in and feel around.

Gemini

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Build yourself a tall, lush tent and move in. Enjoy the inimitable experience of living between layers of ever-moving fabric, like a mite in the leaves of a book.

 

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