GEMINI – May 22 – June 21
Happy birthday, Gemini. People love to throw shade on your sign, and you can almost see why – one of the benefits of that whole twin thing you’ve got going on is your ability to understand the other side of the argument. In this case, though, people are wrong. Geminis might be slippery and duplicitous, sure, but if you’re consciously moving away from the motif of limp twins and towards the idea of a two-headed Hydra, you become a slippery and duplicitous monster. Those are great qualities for a monster to have. Your task in your birthday month: own the monstrous in you.
CANCER – June 22 – July 22
Have you been into a pet shop recently? Have you seen these deeply surreal, Bratz-like hermit crabs? I’m not saying you have a duty to free them from their tacky plastic prisons just because your sign’s symbol is also a crab, but I am saying you shouldn’t not liberate your brethren.
LEO – July 23 -August 22
Leos always seem to have enviable physicality. You really just live right there in your body, huh? While I obviously admire this, I also think that it could be fulfilling for you to attempt to transcend your svelte, earthly form. Options for achieving an out-of-body experience: lucid dreaming; electrode to the frontal lobe; peyote; stubbing your toe on a 5C morning.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 23
You like lists, you like being organised, you like things in their correct places. Sometimes it can be a little too much about you. This month, demonstrate your love for the people in your life in ways that will mean something to them, rather than ways that are convenient to you.
LIBRA – September 24 – October 23
You almost certainly have too many plates, cups and cutlery. How many do you actually need? Put aside your favourites. Smash the rest.
SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22
I can sense that you’ve been doing the same things over and over for a little too long. It doesn’t suit you to be so smug about it either. Try something drastically new: play an instrument in front of someone whose opinion you value, decline a compliment, or put your devastating charm to good use and become a charity mugger.
SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20
It’s okay to bury oneself every now and then. Some people prefer to bury themselves in work or substances; allow me to suggest a more literal approach. Immerse yourself in a medium of your choice (blankets, sand, leaves, coins, NOT GRAIN) and feel your bad energy disperse into the strata around you.
CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your constant need to outperform yourself and your peers, you have two options. One: recognise that there will always be some people who are better at you at some things. Two: watch surfing wipeout videos until all human endeavour reveals itself to be absurd and the weight of creating meaningful contributions to society lifts from your shoulders.
AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19
Stop leaving your half drunk cups of tea around the house. It is not endearing.
PISCES – February 20- March 20
Now’s as good a time as any to write a budget you won’t stick to. Really go wild: this is your economic fantasy life to do with what you choose. Weekly trips to the market? Sure! Making lunch at home? Why not! Selling your clothes on eBay? Anything’s possible! Make sure to really savour the self-satisfaction once you’ve put it all in a spreadsheet, then go reward yourself with an expensive coffee and never open the document again.
ARIES – March 21 – April 20
Demonstrate your subtle nature by wearing as many layers as possible every day this month, removing one each hour on the hour. You’ll finish the day cold and possibly exposed, but at least the people around you will understand that you contain (and embody) multitudes.
TAURUS – April 21 – May 21
Make a list of your achievements. Not only is this a sappy way of working on your self love, it’s also the basis of a resume, which you will need at some point in your life and it’s better to be prepared with the positives than caught unaware in the next disastrous economic downturn. No accomplishment is too small. Mention your excellent small animal husbandry, your skill at mixing Bloody Marys, and how good your butt looks in a certain pair of jeans. These are all attributes of an extremely employable person.