Scum Horoscopes – March

PISCES – February 20- March 20

Happy birthday, Pisces. At this, the start of a new solar revolution, try something new: try asking for help. It feels weird, I know, but I find that chucking oneself in the deep end often makes things easier. Ask for help with everything: preparing meals, dressing yourself, choosing what to listen to, what to read, where to go, what to think. Relax. You’re someone else’s responsibility now.

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

Build something this month. With your hands! Don’t pull that cop-out “building relationships” bullshit. Build a thing. Bird/possum box, spice rack, dog kennel, whatever. Will accept (grudgingly) learning to knit, if your knitting actually turns out a product and not just a reel of broken dreams.

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

Explore your extremes. It’s still summer in most of Australia – what happens if you wear like, ten sweaters? What happens if you maintain a black rage for half the month, and unnatural cheer for the other? What happens if you cultivate hatred for something or someone and then try to get it all the way to love over the course of 30 days?

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

You’ve been relaxing into your true self for some time now. Don’t let your muscles go slack.

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Deadlines are good for you. If no-one else will set them, do it yourself. Your deadline for setting deadlines is tomorrow afternoon at 3pm.

LEO – July 23 -August 22

Make someone else the centre of attention for once in your god damn life. If you do it right, you’ll still end up feeling like a king.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

This month, turn your laser-like focus towards death, and the endings of things. We are coming in to autumn, the good, crisp, dying month, a clear reminder of everyone’s eternal march towards the long nothingness. What are you going to leave behind when you’re gone? What’s going to happen after the end of the universe? Is there a difference between the two?

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Delete Facebook. It’s just for a month. Find something else to do on public transport, like stare unblinkingly into other commuters’ eyes.

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

Your mission this month: tell no lies for thirty days. Sound easy? It’s not. No lies at all, including “you look great”, “I’m sure it will be fine”, “nothing”, “how interesting”, and “good idea”.

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Do a spot of regression and try to live in the moment, baby style. Practically this means doing away with regrets, but also with plans, social conventions and frontal lobe activity.

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Be cautious. Err on the side of paranoid, even. Someone is out to get you.

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

Do you remember your birthday, Aquarius? Was it a quiet one? There’s nothing wrong with that. Slip into the new cycle around the sun with barely a whisper, barely a splash. Try on solitude for the next thirty days.

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