Seasonal Affective Whatever

i go into old memories and give up inside them
– thursday, december 27th 2012, spenser madsen

 

sometime during the third week in january
i realize that i have to stop complaining so much
the circus is in town
and i am quietly sulking
in a tub of lukewarm water
drinking vodka and dr. pepper

over the steady drip of the faucet
i can hear my neighbor through the wall
he speaks softly to someone on the phone
he laughs
he has one prosthetic leg
and usually looks sad when i see him in the hallway

i drive through heavy fog to get to work by 7am
my car rattles at 85 mph
the interstate feels like the longest
coldest stretch of death
one of these days
this will be easier

i fantasize about bloody marys
and bologna sandwiches – the pillowy softness
of white bread comfortable in my mind
while keying useless information
into a computer for hours
until i am full of empty emotional complaints

the last time you and i fucked
the end of august
you seemed more into it than usual
i was half drunk
half out of this situation
half hoping this was the end
but it was and also wasn’t

home in the 5:30pm darkness
my gloved hands unlock the patio door
i smoke between every self help article
the psychological quandary that is
my desire to forget
october
a particular expression you made once during sex
the entire exchanges of information
between me and everyone around me

on the weekend i crave
the solitude inside which i can reject myself completely
i have to go to the woods to remember what this feels like

i wake up in the night
to the sounds of my neighbor
slamming something again and again
my ceiling crackles and groans
i understand this agony.
when it’s silent
i google information about machu picchu
on my phone in the dark

 

 

Natalie Sargent is a 28 year old Birmingham, Alabama native who works in accounting. As an ASFA alum and official burn out, she writes poetry in her spare time, farts around on tumblr, lives with two cats and a perverse interest in perversions.

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