THIS WEEK IN REVIEW: 15th-22nd February

Happy first week of Scum day! Every Friday we’ll be doing a little post called ‘This Week in Review’, in which we post writers’ reviews of things that have seemed important to them lately but that wouldn’t really get a mention anywhere other than those Facebook messages you send to people early in the morning when you’re kind of drunk and telling someone ANYTHING seems like a good idea.

This week in review is brought to you by James Butler, Sian Campbell and Imogen Donato.

A cool man I saw last week
—James Butler

Last week I went to see a band play at a venue filled with fashionable eighteen-year-olds. The band was fronted by an almost completely naked man who was wearing a well-worn felt rabbit mask and yelling at people and it was terrifying but that is not important what is important is that amidst the crowd of young trendy people was a middle aged business man WHO WAS TERRIFIC. Firstly, what the heck was he even doing there? He was alone and still in a business shirt and suit pants, so I assume he had come straight from work. Hey old man, why aren’t you at the Press Club or some other place without graffiti on the wall? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy but also idc I don’t really want to question it because this guy was amazing. He was reeeeeaaaal drunk and everyone was just gawking at him and he was dancing the MOST GREATEST DANCE. I can’t really describe it but it was a mixture of finger wagglin’ and clickin’ that was somewhere between this

and this

★★★★ (because he was whistling a lot and it got pretty annoying)

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The time Maddy asked us to come over and eat things and watch Masterchef Professionals
—Sian Campbell

I cannot help but notice when Masterchef Professionals begins that the traditional Katy Perry tune ‘Hot and Cold’ is no longer the theme, and am immediately disinterested. Host Madeleine informs the party that the replacement song is a Big Scary hit and isn’t it nice that Masterchef is supporting Australian artists? We all agree no. It appears that Masterchef Professionals involves a bunch of people who are chefs on uneven playing fields (some are junior chefs, some are head chefs, some are ???) training in a fair competition to be chefs which they already are in order to achieve their dream of working in kitchens which they already do? Unclear of premise.

One of the contestants is named Coop; James accurately notes that this rhymes with poop; Mark agrees it is an exceptionally shitty name. Coop is so obviously the name of an American snowboarding instructor that I find it hard to take him seriously as an Australian chef. Would you want to eat something prepared by an American snowboarding instructor? Sure, Coop, but also: “Chip”, “Carver”, “Zeke”? My guess is you would not.

Cut to an ad for KFC, in which Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte pretend to eat burgers, because they’re actually vegans, in order to be paid a lot of cash, which one would assume they already possess. Unclear of premise.

Someone points out the sexual tension between Marco and Matt Preston, which I feel is valid. Also: why is there so many locker room scenes? Since when is there a locker room? What is going on? Why do we want to see people who are preparing the country’s meals without shirts on (Someone else points out that one of the contestants apparently likes to surf and then fish and then scale the fish on his abs and then cook the fish on his surfboard and all the women agree we would like to see this contestant without a shirt on.) Mark astutely marks (hey! HA!) the resemblance between the locker room scenes and the shower scene in Starship Troopers, which is valid also. Also, I’m not going to name names, but there’s a contestant who looks like if Robert Downey Junior was in prison and there was a rat in his cell and he made love to it and it bore his baby and the baby was adopted by carnival folk, and I really, REALLY, do not want to see that man without his shirt. HE SCARES ME.

It is almost time now for the contestants to plate up from what I gather, I don’t know, I was in the bathroom. Marco’s wailing and repetitive orders are now frenzied at best; Mark suggests that Marco get naked and swing from the Masterchef kitchen banister gyrating and screaming “HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN A FAMILY KILLED” which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with anything and perhaps has more to do with Mark than Masterchef?

The show is apparently over now and a boy with a cowboy hat goes home, and none of us care, because did I mention nobody even knows what the point of chefs duking it out to be chefs even is?! Maddy serves noodles and dumplings; both are stellar, we all agree she is tonight’s winner and that we will never watch Masterchef Professionals EVER AGAIN.

Masterchef Professionals: ★
Maddy’s dinner: INFINITY STARS WOULD EAT AGAIN

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Double Coat Tim Tams – a saga
—Imogen Donato

I really love food, and not so much for the taste but for the habit and the fact that people will just buy me food if I complain enough (enabling jerks). This week, despite eating at Chocolate San Churros, a place where dreams come true and all the food is phallic shaped (there is a lot of satisfaction in the pulling apart of a doughnut wiener) my favourite/worst food moment was definitely the rollercoaster of emotions that were Double Coat Tim Tams. Here goes:

INT. FOODWORKS NORMAN PARK (smells like cheese all the time)

IMOGEN: Blair do you want any food I mean we are already here so…

BLAIR: No thanks, I just need toothpaste.

IMOGEN: BUT TIM TAMS ARE ON SALE FOR $2, WHICH ONES, SO MANY CHOICES?

BLAIR: Double coat are the best value, it’s like extra chocolate for the same price.

IMOGEN: Oh my god.

INT. BLAIR’S HOUSE 

IMOGEN: I’m making tea. Do you want a Tim Tam?

BLAIR: No thanks.

IMOGEN: WELL OKAY BUT I AM HAVING ONE.

INT. IMOGEN’S MIND 

IMOGEN: These are incredible, it’s a regular Tim Tam in the skin of 2 more Tim Tams, it’s like I am eating the creation of a chocolate Ted Bundy.

[Four biscuits down]

This is the point of self-control, this is where I do it, I become an adult, not an oversized baby or puppy or whatever animal eats for all eternity, and I definitely don’t want to be like that because how else will I become Tilda Swinton.

INT. BLAIR’S HOUSE

IMOGEN: HEY BLAIR SORRY I ATE THE WHOLE PACKET OF TIM TAMS THEY WERE SO GOOD  I MEAN THERE WERE ONLY NINE IT’S OKAY I MEAN I ALSO DRANK A CUP OF MELTED CHOCOLATE TODAY BUT THAT DOESN’T COUNT, I FEEL REALLY SICK WHAT DO I DO?

BLAIR: Jesus Christ.

END. 

★★★★★ (5 DEEP REGRETS OUT OF 5)

(Definitely worth $2.50 but make sure you don’t eat them all yourself or you will throw up.)

Do you have something you’d like to tell us about/give a star rating?  ~Typical~ band, restaurant and book reviews need not apply here, but if you want to review the time you went to see Joan Jett and ended up in a fight, or Norwegian Wood because reading it on that train changed your life, or you really want to review the last time you had McDonalds for breakfast, you just do you. Send it to submissions@scum-mag.com

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