Brought to you by Lizzy King and James Butler
The two times my phone has sounded in a crowded public bathroom
— James Butler
For the second week in a row I have been using crowded but very quiet public toilets at university and have had my phone sound. On both occasions I have just darted my eyes around the room accusingly (not looking at people in the eye obviously because who makes eye contact with people in a toilet I mean leave me alone) trying desperately to have the appearance of someone wondering where the sound came from rather than being its shameful, shameful source. This wouldn’t be too much of a story if the sound coming from my phone was the usual iPhone boo-loop-doop—you know the one I mean—but instead I had the brilliant (and I say this with absolute sincerity and zero sarcasm) idea to change the text message tone on my phone to the audio of this video in its entirety:
So despite the shame and the scurrying out the toilets, playing The Simpsons quotes in public spaces deserves nothing less than FIVE STARS.
That yoga video I found on YouTube
— Lizzy King
Searching “Beginner Yoga” will result in exactly 1 million results. So I choose the one on the first page that goes for 20 minutes because that seems like a reasonable amount of time to try to bend your spine.
“HI GIRLS IT’S TRANSFORMATION FRIDAY!!!1” – I don’t know what that ad is for but every time I hear it I want to kill something. Right, skip the ad. Stop feeling murderous, people who do yoga aren’t murderous, they are calm, they eat buckwheat, they chill.
The girl in the video has hair so long it could be sentient; it’s curly and magical and tied back with a scrunchy. Evidently, it is still the 90s in this video.
Thought number 1 – if this video is from the 90s, how did they get it on youtube? Time travel?
Thought number 2 – I actually think it is from South America, is it still the 90s there? I want to visit.
Thought number 3 – does thinking this make me racist?
The girl is not actually doing the talking, just the bending. A man with an accent does the talking, and also the camera operation. This is some professional work right here. He tells me to breathe a lot and I suspect I am hyper-ventilating a little. He goes very fast, but I’ve done some yoga before so it’s cool, I got this.
I know you’re meant to relax and turn your brain off when you’re doing yoga, but I can’t stop thinking about the man behind the camera. What does he look like? Why isn’t he doing the yoga? I picture him as slightly overweight but weirdly flexible. He has long hair too, only it is greying and falls limply by his ears. Is the girl in the video his daughter? His young, flexi girlfriend? Urgh that’d be weird.
He says the movements and flexi girl follows. Except when she doesn’t. She gets confused half way through and looks at him, and there’re some good bits where he doesn’t know his left from right and she looks at him funny again. Sheesh breaking the fourth wall, you’re really killing my vibe here, scrunchy girl. Nah it’s cool I’m just jealous of your spine, which is actually made of a snake.
Pros: sentient hair, time travel, yoga
Cons: overactive imagination, jealousy
Four downward dogs out of five.
That Time I Passive-Aggressively Posted A Bunch of Break-Up Songs On Facebook After The Guy I Liked Started Dating Someone Else
High satisfaction pay-off strongly outweighs equally high possibility of seeming psychotic; recommended.