In Rural Victoria, my sister went to the beach for her birthday. Which felt bizarre considering that I could only go within 5km of my home.

Keeping occupied on the net, I adopted 8 puffles on Club Penguin. Maybe I overcommitted. Have to keep going fishing to provide for them. The internet of things and the internet of nurture.

Taking a shower felt like the closest available thing to a vacation. Unable to reset.

I played Among Us. It was fun for an hour.

I ordered Grandma a bouquet of the day, like soup but flowers. I instructed Gran go to the front door. She reported she was expecting to find me there. Reminded me of the time when Dulcie was turning 10 and we went to have a meal out at Toy’s Garden Restaurant in Horsham and Dad said there will be a surprise guest and we were squealing with excitement thinking the American cousins were coming for dinner. I am good at guessing too big. It is okay to dream.

Wrapping up my social work studies, I figured it was time to get on LinkedIn. Everyone I went to high school with seems to be a consultant.

YouTube is a beautiful vision. I watched hours of ice skating and trampolining. Watched partners shotput each other across the ice in frantic spins. Kept forgetting to breathe when the athletes bounced up to the ceiling moving with chaotic precision.

I thought about people who say the wrong thing with a lot of confidence.

I read on grief. The Magic Hour, Bluets, Nox, The Year of Magical Thinking. And I thought about grief and empathy and sympathy and flow.

I made moss terrariums, entrapping the scent of a rainforest.

Helped Grandma to put through another IGA order.

My friend’s father passed. I wanted to freeze the world in solidarity. I wanted to maintain an imagined equilibrium.

I tried not to move at all. I laid in bed, looking at the wall. Made myself a coffee. Moka pot ritual.

Could not bring myself to answer the phone and do therapy.

And the cosine line graph and the sine line graph. Down tending and up tending. Think about how the moon’s tidal force, whispering instructions to waves. Think about how the plague numbers rise and fall. Think about all the movements that pulsated out of that origin point. A radius to 5km and a radius to 25km. Revolving around that little core. My little lighthouse.

Signed in to feed the puffles. Went surfing virtually.


Jasmine Shirrefs is a zine maker, dog parent, writer and social work student living on Boon Wurrung land. They were a Wheeler Centre Hot Desk Fellow 2019 and have work published by Overland Magazine online, Right Now and Lot’s Wife.

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