1 May 2005
It’s been a week since Daniel kissed me and it’s been the most amazing week of my whole life. We haven’t hung out again because I’ve been busy with my family and homework, and he was away, but when we’ve had the chance to chat he’s been so, so sweet. I hope he asks me to be his girlfriend soon.
The A. Mus is 3 weeks away now and I’m getting more and more nervous. I’ve been practising heaps but I feel pretty distracted with the Daniel stuff and just generally thinking about other things. I’m not really sure what my future is with the whole violin thing. Every time I think about it I just get really confused. I know I’m good at it, but is it what I want, or is it what I think I have to do?
3 May 2005
Good news! Daniel got a ticket to see The Used with us next week. Thanh is going to pick us up from school to get ready at her house, then she’ll drive us to the Hordern in the evening for the show, and we’ll meet Daniel there. I’ve only been to one concert before and I’m really excited for this one, even more so now that Daniel is coming! One of my favourite bands with two of my best friends and the boy I think that maybe I love – what could be better?
I really hope they play The Taste of Ink and Buried Myself Alive, those are my two favourite songs. The new album isn’t as good but I’m really just so excited to see such a good band live, finally!
6 May 2005
I have a boyfriend!!!!!!
I hadn’t seen Daniel since the party, but we finally got to hang out today after school. I told my parents I was staying back for a maths revision class, but I met him in the oval and we just sat under a tree and kissed and held hands. It was so nice, just being with him like that. We were staring up at the clouds and he was rubbing my palm with his thumb, and then he said “you know, I’m so glad you’re my girlfriend” and I froze, because am I his girlfriend? But I just smiled, and I said “I’m glad too”, and that was it. I guess it is that simple.
I texted Nina the moment Daniel was out of sight and she called me right away, even though she goes to Duncan’s after school on Fridays and probably had to stop making out with him to do that, and we screamed and screamed.
I am someone’s girlfriend. I can’t even believe it.
It sucks that today is something rare – that I can’t do what Nina does and just go to my boyfriend’s house to see him and have my parents be cool about it. I hate that I have to lie to have a chance to see him at all. I was raised to always be honest, but I feel like they’d be so angry at me and there’s no way to explain it. I asked Linh what she thinks, and she laughed and said maybe it’s better to ask someone who hasn’t been disowned for having a baby. I wonder if it would be different if Daniel was Viet – if I’d feel more comfortable telling them then. They told Linh and me when we were kids that we weren’t allowed to date until we finished uni. I guess that didn’t happen lol.
I probably won’t be able to see him again until next week at The Used, because my parents are really cracking down on me before the exam later this month and I have to practise every afternoon, plus I have some extra lessons with Mr George – two a week now instead of just one. I’m feeling pretty nervous but glad that it’s going to be over relatively soon, so I can get my life back to normal.
Have you ever felt that you don’t have enough words to tell somebody how much they mean to you, or how much better your day becomes when they just take a moment out of their time to say hello? He is so beautiful and he doesn’t even know it.
10 May 2005
Soph’s been acting really weird ever since Daniel and I started going out, and I’m not really sure why. Every time he comes up in conversation she gets kind of awkward and tries to change the topic, and one time she started crying and went to the toilet for ages. When she came back her eyes were still red but she wouldn’t talk about it. Nina said she’s probably just jealous, but I can’t help but feel there might be more to it. I’m not sure how things will be at the gig on Thursday, since it’ll just be Daniel, me, Brit and Soph, but I hope it will be fun. I really like Daniel but Soph has been my friend for ages, so I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
My lesson today went well, but it’s the general knowledge I’m really starting to freak out about. I’m just worried I’ll get in there and my mind will become a big blank, and I’ll think about other things instead, like the way Daniel’s hands feel, or what it’ll be like when I meet his family, or how I’ll ever tell mine about him, or our first kiss, and how I’ll always think of it when I hear Mr Brightside, and how I’m just the luckiest girl who’s ever existed.
How do I make it so I can concentrate and be good at school, but also enjoy everything else that is happening? I need a cloning machine, I think.
13 May 2005
Hello, I am writing this in my free period because for some reason Nina isn’t at school today, and usually we’d just spend the free chatting but now I’m bored and anyway I need to tell you about the gig last night!
The Used was so great!!! Thanh and her friend met up at the uni bar outside so it was just me, Daniel , Soph (who is still acting so weird, btw????) and Brit. We got there just in time to see the first band, After the Fall, and they were really good. I bought their CD after the show and made Thanh put it on for the drive home. My favourite song is Mirror, Mirror but they’re all really catchy.
And then!!!! The Used!!!!!! They did play my two favourite songs but also lots of new ones. They sounded even better than their CDs and we were right at the front of the mosh. I sang along so loudly that my throat really hurts today, and Daniel held my hand the whole time and yelled at a guy who tried to touch me. I felt so happy and so safe the whole time, and when they played Blue and Yellow he looked right at me as he sang along, “I’d rather waste some time with you.” It was so beautiful, so perfect for us, that I couldn’t help but cry a bit.
At the end of the concert, we each bought a T-shirt and then Daniel had to go because his brother lives on campus and was going to give him a lift home, so we snuck around a corner and he kissed me quickly, and he said “I’m so glad I had this night with you, Mai.”
I glowed the whole way home.
19 May 2005
I decided today that I’m going to stop eating meat. We were watching a video in class about factory farming, and I wanted to cry when I saw those poor chickens and cows all lined up like that. Heidi Kirby said “yum, now I’m hungry” and it just made me feel really sad and angry, that people can even joke about that. I told my mum when I got home from school, and she didn’t really get it but she said it’s ok as long as I still eat fish until I’m 18, because I’m still growing. I guess that’s ok, and I only have to wait a couple more years until then anyway. She said I should probably learn to cook some dishes for myself, so I’ll try.
Daniel’s really into The Smiths and he showed me a song the other day on MSN, Meat is Murder. He’s not vego but he said it made him think about things a lot, and I guess it made me do the same. I want to live in a truthful way – a way that feels real to me. I think this might be it. We’ll see how I go.
25 May 2005
The exam is on the weekend and I’m heaps nervous about it. My lessons have been going ok, but sometimes I’ll just start daydreaming and then when I snap back to it, it’s like I’ve barely been there at all. Mrs Nguyen gets so annoyed when that happens, I guess because she has to try and keep up with me while she’s accompanying. I swear if she wasn’t my mum’s best friend she wouldn’t do this for me at all.
I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to succeed. I don’t even know if this is what I want, but it is what Bố Mẹ want so I guess I don’t really have a choice.
Exciting news though: Daniel’s brother Matt is turning 21 next month, and Daniel wants me to come to the party! I’m really nervous to meet his family and cousins, but also really excited. It feels like things are getting more serious and I am ready.
28 May 2005
I fucking failed the A.Mus.
I don’t even know what happened in there. All I can remember is my mind turning to absolute mush during the general knowledge, and my hands really struggling during the runs in the Dvorak, and then they handed me the sheet at the end and I just knew, I didn’t even have to look, but I did, and there it was. Fail. They said the tone wasn’t quite right on some of my pieces, and that I had a good understanding of them, but not good enough. That my general knowledge was good, but not good enough for this level.
Not good enough
Not good enough
Not good enough
Not good enough
I got out of the exam and Mẹ was grinning from ear to ear. “How does it feel to have a music diploma?” she asked, sweeping me into a hug, and I could barely get it out. “Haha good joke! Congratulations!” she said, kissing me on the cheek. I told her again what had happened, and her face fell.
The drive home was one of the longest of my life, completely silent, except for the end when she said in Vietnamese, “I’m so disappointed in you, Mai, after all the time and money we’ve spent. I’m taking your phone and computer for the next three weeks, and you are to come straight home after school every day.”
So I’m grounded now, don’t even have a way to tell that to Daniel and might miss Matt’s party.
Fuck my whole life.