Scum Horoscopes – April

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

It’s your birthday, Aries. Why not do some self-improvement, the old-fashioned way? I’m talking self-help books, baby. You Can Heal Your Life, How To Win Friends And Influence People, the controversial He’s Just Not That Into You, Women Who Love Too Much – there’s a life-affirming piece of literature for everyone, usually located in the discount bin of your local Dymocks. Purchase your favourite and read it cover to cover. If you finish it before the month is up, read another. Apply your knowledge. Take notes.

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

Put all the clothes you’ve been meaning to get rid of into a pile in the middle of a room. Climb on top of the pile. Lie down. Sink into the middle of them. Sink all the way down into your hoarding tendencies and hibernate until you feel ready to Kon-Mari your entire being into submission.

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Best start planning your Halloween costume now if you’re really committed to embodying intangible concepts like “lingering undefinable dread about future prospects” and “sense of inadequacy that only appears at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon”. I’m not doubting your commitment to the conceit, but how are you going to translate that into the realm of the physical using only what’s available in your wardrobe and local junk store?

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Write a list of times you’ve been petty or cruel. Write a list of times you’ve been kind and selfless. Keep going until you’re totally cancelled out, or your pen dries up.

LEO – July 23 -August 22

The stars want you to succeed, Leo, but they’re also kind of weird about it. Don’t be surprised if success shows up in unexpected places. Like, prepare to be really, really good at one particular video game, for example. Or the bottle-flip meme. Or folding laundry correctly. My advice: take a goal where you can get it.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Someone you absolutely cannot stand is going to show up in your life this month, bringing with them all the bad vibes and bogus energy accompanying their station. Remember that the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Cultivate an air of perplexed disinterest, and soon you’ll feel it for real, too.

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Time to get informed: subscribe to every news outlet you can think of, at home and abroad, general and specific, serious and pop culture, niche and mainstream. Watch Q & A, A Current Affair, Sunday Night, Insider, Media Watch and the 7:30 Report. If you don’t understand what they’re talking about, look it up. Use your new powers wisely.

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

There’s romance in the stars for you this month, Scorpio, if you’ll just stop being so damn intimidating for once in your life. Google pictures of cute scorpions: that’s you for the next thirty days. And don’t give me that “if they can’t handle me” bullshit – love is a compromise and you need practice.

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Your mission from the heavens is to give yourself permission. If you’ve been holding it back, let it go. If the social code has been preventing you from saying what you mean, absolutely fuck the social code and let your tongue wag you to freedom. If you’ve been waiting for the go-ahead here it is: you’re allowed.

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Choose a charity with which to volunteer. Not a glamorous one; one that will provide you with no opportunities for selfies, humble-bragging, travel, or personal growth. Focus on your work. Focus on other people. Do not learn from it. Do not make this about you.

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

The person you think about most is the person you love the most. You can choose who you love.

PISCES – February 20- March 20

If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it.

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