Scum Horoscopes – December


SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Happy birthday Sagittarius! Do you have a favourite song? If not, now’s the time to find one. Choose wisely, because your task from the stars in this, your birthday month, is to listen to that song every day. This is an exercise for the future you –whatever great events take place in the next thirty days, whatever feelings wash over you as you celebrate your birthday at the end of this strange, bleak year, will be summonable to the surface of your memory for ever more with just one listen of that song. I recommend picking something fun, maybe by Rihanna.


CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

‘Tis the season, Capricorn, and regardless of how you naturally feel about festivity, it is your mission this month to wholeheartedly throw yourself into it. Denomination does not matter – one can very easily be nonreligiously festive – the only thing that matters is that you spread the cheer.


AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

You’re an air sign, and around about this time of year you usually start feeling like things are getting a little stuffy. It’s time to climb. Mountain, rock (indoor or outdoor), bridge, fence, dune or tree – the type is irrelevant. Get to climbing.


PISCES – February 20- March 20

Go around your house and collect all the loose change you can find. Look in your pockets, purse, wallet and car, under the bed, behind the couch and in the cushions. Put it all in a bag, take it to the bank, and see how much you’ve got. Meditate on whether it was enough to make the work worth it.


ARIES – March 21 – April 20

It’s easy to fall into patterns of being dishonest, often about small, superficial things. While dishonestly is not always bad, why not take a month off from it. Let your hair grow out, admit you’ve never read Catcher In the Rye, tell someone the truth when they ask for your opinion, stop wearing deodorant, chew with your mouth open, quit feigning interest in boring coworkers, and see what happens.


TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

Whether or not you are religious, now is as good a time as any to become familiar with religious texts. Read as much as you can. Be generous with your criteria for ‘religious’, and ‘text’.


GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Define for yourself a good person. Write down the ways they might act, the things they might devote their lives to, the sacrifices they might make. Consider to what extent you are willing to emulate them. Don’t feel any pressure to change your ways – but I’m sure we can agree that we shouldn’t lie to ourselves, either.


CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Maybe realism doesn’t come easily to you, but we’re very close to the end of the year and I’m concerned that you’ve left a number of important tasks unattended. It is a lovely thing to be idealistic about what the world will provide for you, but until it proves that it’s not the cold and indifferent place that it appears to be, we must remain organised and self-sufficient. There are apps for that.


LEO – July 23 -August 22

Regression is useful only in therapeutic situations monitored by a professional. Don’t allow yourself to make a habit of it in your everyday life, as tempting as the drama may be.


VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

You’re good at restraint, but restraint is deeply boring. Eat a bucket of candy, and then see what else you feel like doing to excess.


LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Pick a food trend and talk about it every day for the whole month. Obvious suggestions would be smashed avo and activated anything, but consider going retro and becoming an expert on the rise and fall of the sundried tomato or the peculiar popularity boom of aspic.


SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

If you’re reading this, then it means you’ve made it through another year without someone close to you murdering you in your sleep. Regardless of whether you deserve it or not, you are, indeed, alive, Scorpio. Congratulations, and all the best for the next twelve months of intrigue.

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