Scum Horoscopes – March


PISCES – February 20- March 20

Happy birthday, Pisces, you weird creature from the deep. This is the month to embrace your watery ways. Summer is coming to an end and you should take every opportunity to spend your time suspended in salt, fresh, or chlorinated fluid. When the sea levels rise up to claim us all, you know you’ll be the first to grow gills. Get practising.


ARIES – March 21 – April 20

This month, why not wear a flower in your hair every day? Why not ask for that promotion or pay rise? Why not start planning in earnest the demise of your enemies (you know that as you grow complacent they grow stronger every day)? Why not be the ibex this month, instead of the lamb?


TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

It’s okay to binge. You do not have to purge. You are already pure and anything you consume – entertainment, knowledge, food, drink, love – becomes pure because it becomes part of you.


GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Think of your problems like two snakes. One is full of ashes, and one is full of jewels. You’ll have to cut them both open to find out which is which.


CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Do you have a familiar? You should get one. Doesn’t have to be a crab, although hermit crabs are adorable and easy to keep. You could acquire an axolotl or a pair of canaries – even a vigorous houseplant will do. Anything you can talk to that won’t respond in a meaningful way (no parrots, no people). All you need is a place to put your secrets, aside from deep down in your heart.


LEO – July 23 -August 22

Stretch out and relax, Leo – you’ve been working the edge off your claws. When you’ve got a prey drive like yours it’s easy to forget that there must be periods of rest between the periods of hunting. But rest you must. Preen, groom, get all your pointy bits back in optimum order. Then head back out into the night.


VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Don’t forget to breathe. Nothing is as bad as it seems. For example, I’m predicting a full month of good hair days for you.


LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

How did your mandatory impulsiveness go last month, Libra? Give your new pets a kiss from me. This month, try practising your handwriting. It’s as mindless and easily satisfying as adult colouring, but you’ll look much more erudite writing in a notebook on the bus.


SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

You’ve done something bad and now it’s showing up in your dreams every night. Time to make it good. You may have to use spells.


SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Your sign is the archer; why not do them proud and spend some time honing your on-hand insults. Everyone feels better when they know they’ve got a quiver full of barbed remarks at the ready, should the situation call for it.


CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Have you seen that old dog sanctuary in the States? It’s on Facebook and it’s a miracle. Go look it up. Go look it up right now.


AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

You’re going to have a song stuck in your head for the next thirty days. Now is your last chance to choose which one it will be. Godspeed.

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