Scum Horoscopes – May

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

No wonder Taureans are supposed to be the human equivalent of a pile of crushed-velvet cushions; is there anywhere you’d rather be when the wintry weather of this, your birthday, starts setting in? There’s change afoot this month – there always is – and while there’s nothing wrong with retreating to your blanket fort every now and then, taking one or two steps more against the current will reward you in spiritual riches and heavy carbohydrates beyond your wildest dreams.

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

It’s time to take stock of your mental geography, because you’re going to be in for some disappointments pretty soon. I’m sorry to say it. Firm up your escarpments, sink trees into the riverbanks, buttress your canyons, and hunker down. You’ll be alright if you keep your ecosystems turning over.

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Something dark is coming for you this winter. “Dark” doesn’t necessarily mean bad, or good; just keep your eye out for a shadow, a dimming, a void that needs to be filled.

LEO – July 23 -August 22

When you start to feel a thirst for novelty this month, follow it. Keep following it. Keep going until you become so thoroughly transformed that your old self seems novel once more.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Allow people to care for you this month. It will feel alien to relax into someone else’s ministrations, but try it. Consider it a payment in advance.

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

You’ll have the urge to get in touch with an ex in the next few weeks. DON’T DO IT. Leave that person alone! They can’t undo the things you did together that you regret! Only acceptance, introspection and a fully-functioning time machine can do that.

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

If you find yourself in the nigh-unimaginable position of being intimidated or overwhelmed by what’s going on around you, drop to the ground and assume a curled-up position, balanced on your toes with your arms wrapped around your knees. You’ll probably trip someone up and the energy will shift in a way conducive to your own enjoyment.

SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

The next time someone compares you to a famous person, learn everything you can about them and begin to feed back biographical details into your interactions with the comparer. It should be disconcerting enough to get them to stop doing that.

CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Let go of your anger.

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

Transitions are easier when you allow them to be what they are: elaborate, difficult, contradictory, exhausting periods of your life that lead from one stretch of calm into another, newer one. There’s nothing wrong with leaning into the drama, letting a fitful wind fill your sails.

PISCES – February 20- March 20

It’s okay to ask for time off because your stress levels are making your skin break out and your hair shed. Prepare for some pushback, but know that you are too valuable to treat poorly. Also, try eating a piece of fruit every now and then.

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

Pay attention to your dreams this month. Write down any recurring or vivid symbols. Note your emotional response when you encounter them in real life, and fight or flee as necessary.

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