Scum Horoscopes – May



TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

Happy Birthday, Taurus. People will always tell you that your defining traits are your homeyness and your love of food – but you are so much more than a carb-enthusiast hermit. You are also stubborn, haughty, impossible to criticise, and extremely talented in the arts of holding a grudge (you are my favourite Zodiac sign, just fyi). Consider this month a get-out-of-jail free card for all your less flattering tendencies. Cull your friends. Make scathing remarks on the permanent record. Curse your housemate, finally, for never doing the dishes. Put your head down and run that matador into the dirt.


GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Make a list of your accomplishments to date. Then consider how many more there would be if you’d just let yourself do the god damn spells. It’s not cheating if you’re naturally talented!


CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Your homework for this month is to find somewhere that needs the flooring pulled up, and pull it up. There are fascinating things underneath carpet, lino and old tiles, and I have a feeling that getting dirty and sweaty is going to cure something that ails you.


LEO – July 23 -August 22

If you can sense storm clouds approaching – and I know you can – remember you have choices. Fix the leaks in the roof, find some wet weather gear and wait it out, or stand naked at the threshold with a sceptre and bellow into the tempest – either way, it’s coming and you’re going to have to deal with it.


VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

Choose your outfits for the entire month. Write them down, pin the list next to your wardrobe, do not deviate from plan. See how much more you get done with one variable of your life removed? Now find the next one to strike out.


LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Ah Libra, pursuer of justice and balance: how often do you truly impartially consider the other side? Take some time this month to read the Murdoch press, listen to talk-back radio, take a cab instead of an Uber. Put some coins in the other half of your scales.


SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

Who have you upset this time? Say sorry. Don’t make excuses. Don’t do it again.


SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

Adopt an eccentricity and commit to it until it stops feeling uncomfortable. Suggestions: eye patch; limp; ever-present animal companion; unnecessary cane; insufferable laugh; malapropisms.


CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

Make time every week this month to get up high. The top of a hill, a bridge, a 30-storey hotel (bonus points if you can slip into a patron-only area like the pool or sauna) – things are better at altitude.


AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

Time to brush up on your cryptozoology, or you’re going to have your weirdo card revoked. Start at Bigfoot, warm up with the Loch Ness Monster, progress with caution towards giant squid, the Bloop and the Beast of Bodmin.


PISCES – February 20- March 20

Periods of mindless repetition work well for you, Pisces. It’s a good idea to schedule time every day for bland activities: knitting is good, as is ironing, gardening, and reading the comments section on any article about the Ghostbusters reboot.


ARIES – March 21 – April 20

We all know you have good ideas. Maybe you could write them down as they occur to you and deliver them to us all at once, instead of braying at the top of your lungs the instant a novel thought makes itself known to you and upsetting the other members of the conversation. Just a suggestion.

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