SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22
Happy birthday, Scorpio. I wish I could tell you that you’ve got an amazing month in store for you – windfalls and meet-cutes galore – but we both know you’re too savvy to believe that. This month will be exactly what you make it. I’d suggest taking a moment to consider where you’ll be directing your creative energies.
SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20
Like an archer, you know how to make your barbs land. Unlike an archer, you don’t get paid to do it. Could you get paid to do it? Is there a market for arch retorts and cutting remarks? Look into it this month. Might as well monetise your unique talents.
CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19
There will come a time in your life – maybe on a date, maybe during a lull in a party, maybe just when you’re bored out of your skull and casting about for something to pass the time until you die – when you’ll wish you’d made a list of the shit on the internet that you find pants-wettingly funny. Do yourself a favour. Make the list.
AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19
Have you seen this nonsense about a new star sign? Have you considered that your entire life as an eccentric Aquarian might have been a LIE? That this whole time, you could have been a CAPRICORN? Ruminate on that for a while. Let it chill you to your very bones.
PISCES – February 20- March 20
Do not allow yourself to believe that just because you are the vaguest and most sensitive sign of the zodiac that you are unable of cruelty. There are deep trenches full of horrors in the ocean, and they’re in you too. Some places we just aren’t meant to explore.
ARIES – March 21 – April 20
There’s someone in your life who needs help. They’re unlikely to expect it to come from you, which will make it all the better for you both.
TAURUS – April 21 – May 21
Routine is fine, to a point. Being occupied is also fine, to a point. But summer is nearly here! It’s time to abandon routine, to-do lists and pants in favour of lazing, non-committal shrugs and kaftans. Even if you’re not lying next to a pool, you can live your life like you are.
GEMINI – May 22 – June 21
People love to go on and on about your duplicitous nature, which, sure – it’s something to talk about, at least. But they talk about it like it’s always a bad thing. It’s not. Spend some time this month cultivating your duality. What will it be? Good cop/bad cop? Fred/Ginger? Beyonce/Solange? Either way, two of you is always better than one.
CANCER – June 22 – July 22
My crabby friend, sometimes it is okay to lean into your crabby nature. But have you ever watched crabs underwater? In their element, they are no longer scuttling, claw-waving grumps; they are delicate, flickering ballerina-armed sea-insects. Where do you feel like a delicate ballerina insect? Consider exploring your element.
LEO – July 23 -August 22
House cats are beautiful and soft but very annoying and the stars are telling me that this is somehow your fault, and that you need to think about what you’ve done.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 23
Pet project time! What will you commit your formidable intellect to supporting this month? Suggestions: local charity (comes with endless bragging rights); intervention for a friend who’s making poor dating decisions (could be dicey, but ultimately rewarding); fund-raising to build your elderly relative a big fence so they can get good sweet dog friend from the pound (this is number one, you should definitely do this).
LIBRA – September 24 – October 23
What did you do for your birthday, Libra? Did you finally tell people what they needed to hear? Did you stop holding back on all your righteousness, and let the full force of your judgement crash down upon those close to you? Did anyone stay to help you clean up after the party? And whose fault is that?