Scum Horoscopes – September


VIRGO – August 23 – September 23

It’s your birthday month, Virgo, and I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do. 2016 has been a powerful and strange year already; you have the stars’ permission to become as fully powerful and strange as you’ve always longed to be. No more holding back, now: there are people and places to whom and which you need to go; people and places to whom and which you need to do things. Go to it. You are like the shadow cast by a satellite passing in front of the moon.


LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

You have been carrying something around that is ruining your vibe. It might be physical, and in your bag or your wallet or your house; it might be psychical, and clinging on to your superego or waking you up at night. In any case it is a bad time for you and the people around you and spring is as good a time as any to cast the bad shit out. My recommendations: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and lying in the sun until you feel your brains crawl out of your ears.


SCORPIO – October 24 – November 22

Spend as much time as you can this month in the company of animals. Particularly try the weird ones – do any of your friends own a lizard, a snake, a chinchilla? See what you’re like when you’re around the more unusual members of our domesticated animal kingdom. See what it says about your own domesticity.


SAGGITARIUS – November 23 – December 20

You deserve the things you want, including time, space, a lack of human contact, and freedom from your commitments. Knowing is the first step towards achieving. Now all you have to do is put your well-heeled foot down.


CAPRICORN – December 21 – January 19

You of all people understand the inimitable high of a good purge. It’s springtime. Begin.


AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

Make a list of every time you’ve been wrong. Add to it as new instances come to mind. Keep it on hand, on your phone or in a notebook. Refer to it when you start to feel superior to your fellow human beings.


PISCES – February 20- March 20

Sometimes bad things happen. Usually they happen without a reason. This is something that you’re going to have to come to terms with if you want to keep living on this plane of existence. If you’re uninterested in this plane, I have read a lot of good things about ayahuasca; however, you should know that it makes almost everyone vomit. A lot. Take from that what you will.


ARIES – March 21 – April 20

Develop a stand-up comedy routine. You don’t necessarily have to perform it, but it will at least make you delve deep into your psyche in search of material, and you’re likely to come out the other side with a better understanding of yourself. Now make a Twitter account and start a podcast.


TAURUS – April 21 – May 21

People say that bulls are stubborn, which is why that trait is associated with you, Taurus. Unfortunately, bulls are animals and you are a person; stubbornness is a human trait; and you don’t get let off the hook that easily. Do you know what else is a human trait? Bravery – which is not the absence of fear, but the decision to act despite feeling afraid. You can be so brave.


GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

How do you feel about festivals (music, literary, city, etc.)? It’s about time you created a rubric for friendship based on those feelings, don’t you think?


CANCER – June 22 – July 22

You feel like people need to be gentle to you, which is true. Sometimes it is easy to forget that people need you to be gentle to them as well. Practise your gentleness. Remember that it’s okay to let things go. Be kind, and kindness from others will follow.


LEO – July 23 -August 22

You’re a good leader but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have all the best ideas, okay? Hearing this will feel like an affront to your character, because it is. You’ll have to learn to deal with it if you’re going to be the world’s first president, and you know it.

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